new year, new blog intentions

i hadn't been to new york in YEARS. since 3rd grade to be exact. but sarah was going to be there for a whole week wandering and i decided to go too. God works in mysterious ways, right? that was a little over a month ago. now i'm moving there in 139 days. or may 31. or the day h finishes school.

i've been talking about it for years. as soon as i got sober, i realized where i was--fort myers, fl--and wanted out. this place has been killing my spirit since i can remember. it's not healthy for me to be here. i want more for my child and i want more for myself. i will never be apologetic about that.

i sublet a one bedroom apartment in east williamsburg for the months of june and july. i am hoping that i'll find a job. no wait, if it's what's meant for me, i will find a job there. coming back here i suppose is an option, but not one i'd like to entertain. before we leave things will be sold, things will be thrown out, and things will be packed in boxes for us to retrieve one day. it all can't go.

i realized just from starting this cleansing process how much i've tried to fill the hole inside my soul with material things. i buy h whatever she wants whenever she wants it. she is inarguably an incredibly spoiled child. i wonder if this will end in new york? i've been poor, but not really. i always had a safety net called family underneath me. we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat. this is the first time we'll be launched into really being on our own.

the stress hit me today of what i'm about to do. stress. not any fear. excitement. yes.

san francisco. san diego. miami. those three places i tried to move before when h was 3,4, and 5. before i could act on it, i was overcome with a paralyzing sense that what i was doing wasn't right. but with this...with new york...that feeling hasn't come.

"you're doing the right thing"

someone said this to me recently. it's probably the most beautiful thing i could hear. because i know in my heart this is right. i know it will be hard. but i've died before and learned to live again. certainly that was harder than living in new york.