another one down

I turned 3 on December 6. When I turned 1, I was shaking, biting back tears. When I turned two, I was ecstatic. Now that I am 3, I realize how little I know. It was just another day. Another sober day which is truly amazing. But still, it was just another day. I went to work, came home, gave my daughter dinner and a bath, went to a meeting, then came home to tuck her. That's what it's all about anyway isn't it?

HALTin like a mofo

I'm not in that great of a place right now. YPAA does not replace AA. But I've been SO busy with school, work, being a mom, that i've given up yoga and meetings the two things I need to stay sane inadvertently. lucky for me, i'm headed to ICYPAA in St Louis Thursday-Sunday. I'll be exhausted when I return, but I need a bunch of meetings. I need the fellowship. I need to do some yoga and re-set. So that's all. right now I feel like crying. I'm so stressed. but i know it'll be better soon :)

I hate business meetings. And why I have to go to them.

Saturday night my homegroup had a business meeting. I shrugged it off with the “have to get home to my little one” excuse that I use pretty much every month for every homegroup I’ve ever been in.  I don’t like business meetings for a multitude of reasons. One being the time, after I’ve sat through a meeting for an hour I don’t want to sit for longer. I find business meetings bring out personalities and often I just don’t feel like dealing with it. So when my friend looked at me with dismay as I sputtered on about how I didn’t really want to be a member of the group anyway, but I had to have a homegroup, I started to feel bad. I wasn’t being willing. I wasn’t giving myself completely to the program.  I got into a funk about it. So on Sunday I went to another meeting and shared my feelings on business meetings with a man who’s got some more time than I do. He shared that he hates business meetings to, but we have to go because this program saved our lives so what’s another hour or so once a month. He said just go every other month. But to definitely go sometimes. It turned it around for me. I’m not excited for business meetings and may never be, but I’m excited to be young and alive and sober.  I have always said I’ll fight for my chair in AA, so if it means business meetings, I have to do it.  And I'm grateful I’m not the only one who dislikes them.

oy vey

i mailed baked goods again. well the last time i mailed something food-ish it was ice cream. to san francisco. here we go again?

tough, honest, healthy

long day. wow. so i started yoga teacher training. it was not what i expected. or maybe it was. it was overwhelming. and would've been great. had i not been worrying about my parents --who also work all week--using up their spare time to watch my daughter, and that four page paper i have due tomorrow, and all the fun ypaa stuff--ICYPAA!!--i'd be missing out on. and oh, shit, i'm taking math this fall. and oh, shit, i loved yoga but realized quickly yoga teacher training would make me hate yoga. yoga for me is a gift. it helps me. i saw how this training could make it a burden. make it a task. make it something i hate.

so i saw where this would go. less meetings. less aa. less fellowship. and i decided i had to quit. after one day, i quit yoga teacher training. via email. not my proudest moment. but i feel like it was the best decision. i need to be present for my commitments in aa, my family and my education. i made the right choice for me. i know that.

in more news. i'll be at icypaa in st louis. god's will be done.

asana rocked, bracing myself for a new chapter

Thursday night's at Joyful Yoga, I go to a lovely little class called "Rock Your Asana". I feel like I'm getting a cold and was toying with the idea of not going. My mind did not want to go and thought are very powerful things. I made myself go. I think of my yoga practice now as part of my recovery program. Just like the in the AA fellowship I need all three parts of the triangle to keep me sober--Unity, Service and Recovery--yoga to me is just another layer in my recovery now. So I made myself go. And while I physically wasn't feeling as adventurous as I sometimes do, I'm glad I went. I feel better. I just realllllly want my sore throat and runny nose to go away.

I'm also working tonight on knocking out the last class this semester. I have a four page paper due Sunday and I'm a master procrastinator. Right now thought I think I need to just rest and thank my HP for this amazing journey i'm about to embark on.  I realized driving to yoga tonight that 1) I really need to get rid of my SUV because the gas driving 30 min to yoga is ridic and 2) This is the last class where I'll just be an un-enlightened student. I obviously have big plans for what YTT entails. I'm actually terrified, excited, nervous, happy to see what new amazing people are going to be put in my life through this new little journey.

But now bed.

keep trudgin
-b

impending YTT

uhh holy shit. i'm starting yoga teacher training this weekend. and i think i'm getting sick. must zinc/vitamin c it up. so let me reminisce a little about my yoga history.

it started with a boy. who ended up stomping on my heart. but with many things i started for someone else, i stayed with yoga for myself. so this boy was in recovery like myself and mentioned to me how much yoga had helped him. so i thought i would try it...for myself...and to make me look cooler to this boy. (i know it's pathetic, but i'm being honest). so sponsor 1 who ditched for for San Diego had come leftover sessions at a local Iyengar studio. they let me use them up. i went, i fell in love, but craved more. when i went to visit boy in San Francisco, i experienced Vinyasa. holy shit. i fell in love. Vinyasa yoga tired my body out enough to quiet my mind. enter meditation. enter a new dimension of existence. a new dimension of sobriety. and a craving to deepen my practice so that i can someday share this gift with others in recovery. i practiced on and off for the next year or so. my higher power in his always cray ways, put me in tough with my the yoga teacher who will be doing the training. i couldn't really afford training, but she offered me a scholarship. it's truly amazing...trudging this road never ceases to amaze me.

my heart healed and has opened to more love. that boy who introduced me to yoga, i am forever and ever grateful for him. every single person my higher power puts in my path serves a purpose. i am so excited to meet the others i will go through teacher training with. and i can't wait to master inversions.

keep trudging-
xo
-b

FCYPAA in the 239.

So I hadn't written for a while. I don't even know where to start to catch up. But I went to FCYPAA and our bid won FCYPAA. So I thought it might be interesting (if I can commit to keeping up with it) to chronicle the road to FCYPAA. We have a little over a year to plan this conference starting with elections tomorrow. I'm so excited to get started and be a part of this. I know this experiance will stay with me for the rest of my life. Yes, I wanted nothing more than the leave this town behind, but now I can't imagine not seeing this thing through. I have fallen in love with YPAA's all over the state. I feel like we share this amazing bond of being young and sober and rocking it. So...tomorrow is elections. My preparation along with my baked smores is to pray for God's will for me. I think I want to be the Outreach Chair, but I'm excited to see what God's plan really is. And I really hope I keep this blog up. I'm also starting Yoga Teacher Training in a few weeks. So much great stuff is going on!

Am I grateful enough? I think not.

“Am I grateful enough? I think not.” Those words will forever echo in my sober soul. The man who spoke them was a wonderful man named David F. He died on Saturday after his motorcycle was hit by a van. We got the news as we were celebrating a friend’s birthday at a local pizza joint. (“We” is a group of 20 sober friends of all ages). We were shocked. We were stunned. We knew we would cry.

I was nervous to chair a meeting for my homegroup about a year ago and David F sat in the front row and told me I’d be great. Later on, I mentioned I was coming up on two years so he told me if I came to his homegroup on my anniversary, they’d buy me a chip. And they did. I’ll treasure that chip. He always asked about how my daughter was and how my plans to move to California were going. (She’s good, they’re not moving as quickly as I want, but God has a plan.) I loved most of all the perfection of his handlebar mustache. No one could rock one like Dave.

This weekend I’m going to go to his memorial. He touched my life and I’ll miss seeing him.

It made me realize how precious life is. How quickly someone can be gone.

The end.

not doing this fooo-ever ever

I'm really tired of my job. I guess it's more motivation than ever to finish school and get a job where I can not only ball hard and drive a Range Rover, but also be challenged. I wonder what it's like to have a job you're passionate about.

anyway. weekend was good. this weekend coming up I'm heading the the keys for some secret YPAA ish. not really secret, but I'm excited. will def miss the little though. so i took Monday Funday off and we're heading to Palm Beach to post up at the Breakers or go to the Zoo, shop at Urban and Lulu (goodbye paper, nice know you) and see an old friend. I'm down with moving over there, wherever is not here where I can get a job. that makes that paper.

how many times did i reference paper in this post? too many.

i'm out.

yoga as a resentment cure?

Yesterday it was cemented into my being a little more how yoga is vital to my continued sobriety and spiritual well being. I was is a funk. I had snapped at my 4 year old for emptying an entire new tube of my favorite Origins face wash down the tub while I was trying to sneak a 5 minute phone call with my sponsor—I only made it to minute 2 and really should’ve “paused when agitated.” So I had the emotional mommy hangover and was also dealing with residual effects of having a very sick newcomer in my life. I am very susceptible to soaking up the energy of people around me and the energy I had been around was very dark. Needless to say, I wanted to go home and wallow in self-pity, build my resentment towards her, and isolate. I did not want to go to yoga. I think of yoga a lot like meetings, in fact my yoga practice has replaced some of my meetings at this point. I feel it’s equally important. Just like with meetings when I was new, I went when I felt like I needed one and I went when I didn’t want to go. I always felt better after. I apply that to my yoga practice today. So yesterday I went to yoga. I rocked out to upbeat tunes the ride there, and I offered up that person with the dark energy in my practice. By savanasa, my resentment was gone and I was once again filled with love and gratitude for my sobriety and my life today.

FCY fire and everything after...

Sometime in April, I got this weird idea in my head--message from the HP much?-to go to FCYPAA. I was hanging out with a newcomer and she had dabbled in FCY and so I thought it would be fun to go. I never wanted to be a part of FCYPAA or any subsequent YPAA anything before. I took pride in distancing myself from it. "Oh, I don't do FCYPAA" I'd say when anyone in the rooms would ask if I was attending a FCYPAA sponsored event. I see now I was doing what made me fail for many years in the rooms...I thought I was different. Certainly I met the "young person" requirement. I got sober at 24. So long story short, my HP gave me a message to go to FCYPAA, to shake my program up a little (I thought) and so I joined the committee after my buddy convinced me they needed me.

Even after being on the committee, I had no idea really what I was doing. What the f$#@ is FCYPAA? Now, I get it. I am alive again. I have filled with the FCY-fire. It sounds SO ridiculous, but it's true. My sponsor gets it though. She went to San Antonio and she totally get's my craziness now. I am in love with sobriety and my program all over again.

I drove up with 4 other people in true fcy-fashion. It took us 7 hours to get to a place maybe only 4.5 hours away. We stopped a lot, we laughed, we talked. The car ride up was pretty fun in itself. We got there and the bid table where everyone gathered was where it started to click for me. I had my a-ha moment Saturday night at the dance. I really don't think there are words to do the magic of FCYPAA or any YPAA event. I kick myself hourly for not attending ICYPAA when I was in San Francisco last year.

Then theres a bigger issue. Yeah I got the raise to stay at my job til the end of the year, but had I moved, I never would've gone to FCYPAA, maybe I never would've gone to any YPAA event. This experience further ingrained in my brain that my HP has a plan for me. The best news ever? My city won the bid, so now I'll get to be on a host committee...those plans for moving cross country may get pushed back again.  I can't imagine not seeing this through.

Other cool news? I'm starting yoga teacher training in August!! Amazing wonderful gifts of sobriety. okay, you can go vomit on my mad love for everything now. 

XOm-
B

Busy busy busy

I'm astonished how busy my life is. A mere 2 1/2 years ago my priorties were dabbling with the rooms and my loser boyfriend. Now I'm juggling single mommyhood, working full time, and going to school full time. I never really thought I could handle any of that stuff and today I handle it all with as much grace as I can, thanks to my Fellowships.

I've had to take a huge curve ball which is what happens whenever you make a plan, my HP loves to laugh when I do is. I had planned to move to California. I tried to save, but didn't save nearly enough, and find myself stuck at a job that just gave me a $5,000 raise to stay there til the end of the year. And I'm struggling with it. Because I don't want to be here anymore. One of my favorite women in sobriety said to me last night that all I needed to do was hold tight and God would place me exactly where I need to be.I have faith that he will.

Thats it for now.

--B

bedtime screw-tines - REAL TALK from the frontlines of single parent-dom

I realized now that this blog post sounds a lot more risque than it actually it. Its 8:36 here, and I've just plopped H in the tub. She will bathe, then I'll put a short movie on the Roku for her to watch while I shower. If I'm lucky, I might start a load of laundry after my shower cause clean clothes are good clothes. By then it'll be at least 9:00-9:15 and I'll turn the movie off (insert crying/wining/pleading), turn off the lights and hop into bed too. Yes, I sleep with my kid sometimes. In fact, most of the time we are co-sleepers, in a twin size bed to boot (perks of having to move home in your 20's due to the economy.) I realize she may sleep with me forever, I'm okay with it today and I live my life day by day. We will usually play Facebook games (love ya Zynga) or games on my phone til we get bored and I either call bedtime and pry the device out of her hands or she hands it off and turns over to pass out. Estimated sleeping time:10-11pm. I realize this is late, I get it. But I work 8-5 and I want to soak up my mom and h time. I wanted to post this for any momma who doesn't have a normal bedtime routine and feels like she needs to keep it a secret. Whatever works, works. I wish I had a more routiney routine cause mine feels kinda screwy, but today it works.

xo-
B

What's been going on...

Wow, so I officially suck a blogging. Let's see. I went to San Diego a couple weeks ago for my friend's baby shower. She held it at Tea Upon Chatsworth. I was hesitant to think that tea and some lil sammiches might fill me up, but I was stuffed with delicious food. I was supposed to go to San Francisco for a few days after, but ended up staying in San Diego. Sooo that cost me $-70 for my Virgin flight from SAN-SFO, $-198 for my AirBnB res, and $-310 to switch my flight. So one extra day in San Diego cost me...more than I want to add up right now. Whatever though, I got to spend an extra day with my buddy who's going to have a little Layla soon. On my last day in San Diego, we went to Extraordinary Desserts. I'm obsessed and craving it still. So here's my pics from my trip. Hannah requested 3 presents. I got her pink sparkly Tom's that I wanted and a crayon necklace from Urban Outfitters. She's such a hip almost 4 year old. I also got the Miette cookbook for a late birthday present. I'm excited to bake my lil heart out.

 Now it's back to reality, school, getting Hannah's carrot costume ready for a parade in two weeks, keeping with meetings and loving life.

xo-
b

Recipe for Joy

 Found this is my newsletter from Joyful Yoga. 

Recipe for Joy:
Seek Joy first and foremost.
Seek reasons to laugh.
Seek reasons to offer words of praise to self and others.
Seek beauty in nature, beasts and other humans.
Seek reasons to love in every segment of every day.
Look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of love.
Seek that which uplifts you.
Seek opportunity to offer that which uplifts another.
Seek a feeling of well-being.
Know that your value can only be measured in terms of Joy.
Acknowledge your absolute freedom to do any of these things.
Or not to do them,
For it is without exception your choice in every minute of every day.
-Abraham

27

Monday was my 27th birthday. I am so, so lucky to be surrounded by friends who love me and helped me celebrate. I spent the day with Hannah, took her to brunch where she would only eat bacon, and then we went on a Christmas money spending mission for her. I felt really lucky to be present as a momma and even luckier to get to take a long nap. For dinner, my bestie Rachie and her +1 Tiffany took me to dinner at Carrabbas. I'm usually not a fan of chain restaurants, but Carrabba's keeps it delish. The Friday before New Years a bunch of us went bowling. I like to keep my celebrations retro. Here's some visual highlights of my day...

Cinnamon streusel french toast.

Double chocolate bread pudding

homemade cupcakes from an awesome co-worker

I'm really excited to be 27. I remember turning 25 and having a quarter life crisis flip out, but I've come so far since then. My life is awesome. 27 seems like a great age to move across the country, right?

Just a Taste » Top 10 Recipes of 2011

I like food. I like pictures of food. I am learning to cook good food. I think a good place to start is cooking all these recipes. There are two food blogs I read this one and Smitten Kitchen. Check this out for a recap of 2011 deliciousness.

Just a Taste » Top 10 Recipes of 2011