Our own New York

Saw an older gentlemen from NY I knew from the rooms tonight. I excitedly rambled off to him things people told me I needed to do in NYC. "Who cares?" he replied, "You'll make your own New York."

I loved that so much, I just had to get in down.

new year, new blog intentions

i hadn't been to new york in YEARS. since 3rd grade to be exact. but sarah was going to be there for a whole week wandering and i decided to go too. God works in mysterious ways, right? that was a little over a month ago. now i'm moving there in 139 days. or may 31. or the day h finishes school.

i've been talking about it for years. as soon as i got sober, i realized where i was--fort myers, fl--and wanted out. this place has been killing my spirit since i can remember. it's not healthy for me to be here. i want more for my child and i want more for myself. i will never be apologetic about that.

i sublet a one bedroom apartment in east williamsburg for the months of june and july. i am hoping that i'll find a job. no wait, if it's what's meant for me, i will find a job there. coming back here i suppose is an option, but not one i'd like to entertain. before we leave things will be sold, things will be thrown out, and things will be packed in boxes for us to retrieve one day. it all can't go.

i realized just from starting this cleansing process how much i've tried to fill the hole inside my soul with material things. i buy h whatever she wants whenever she wants it. she is inarguably an incredibly spoiled child. i wonder if this will end in new york? i've been poor, but not really. i always had a safety net called family underneath me. we always had a roof over our heads and food to eat. this is the first time we'll be launched into really being on our own.

the stress hit me today of what i'm about to do. stress. not any fear. excitement. yes.

san francisco. san diego. miami. those three places i tried to move before when h was 3,4, and 5. before i could act on it, i was overcome with a paralyzing sense that what i was doing wasn't right. but with this...with new york...that feeling hasn't come.

"you're doing the right thing"

someone said this to me recently. it's probably the most beautiful thing i could hear. because i know in my heart this is right. i know it will be hard. but i've died before and learned to live again. certainly that was harder than living in new york.

post-fcy ramblings and gratitude

So before FCYPAA I quit my job. that one i hated that was killing me slowly. i figured i'd take some time off, spend time with my little, take that math class i'd failed 5 times previously. i have a solid B in math. that's a good thing. the bad part is that i don't yet have a job lined up and that class is over in two weeks. my car payment is due on July 1. I need $300 to pay it. my cc's are maxed out, bank accounts have not even a penny in them. okay God, I'm trusting you.

to say i'm not absolutely paralyzed with fear would be the understatement of the century. it's shaking my faith. on the surface. deep down in my heart i know God's got me, but i'm feeling doubts.

my sponsor asked this "what meetings are you going to? what are you praying for? hows that gratitude list looking?"

my answer "none, nothing, don't have one."  essentially i'm not even in AA right now.

now that fcypaa is over i'm ready to get back in it. i've planned what meetings i'm going to for the rest of the week. and i'm looking forward to going to them. i have more interviews set up. i'm gonna be okay i think.

okay time for math class
 the end

xo b

another one down

I turned 3 on December 6. When I turned 1, I was shaking, biting back tears. When I turned two, I was ecstatic. Now that I am 3, I realize how little I know. It was just another day. Another sober day which is truly amazing. But still, it was just another day. I went to work, came home, gave my daughter dinner and a bath, went to a meeting, then came home to tuck her. That's what it's all about anyway isn't it?

HALTin like a mofo

I'm not in that great of a place right now. YPAA does not replace AA. But I've been SO busy with school, work, being a mom, that i've given up yoga and meetings the two things I need to stay sane inadvertently. lucky for me, i'm headed to ICYPAA in St Louis Thursday-Sunday. I'll be exhausted when I return, but I need a bunch of meetings. I need the fellowship. I need to do some yoga and re-set. So that's all. right now I feel like crying. I'm so stressed. but i know it'll be better soon :)

I hate business meetings. And why I have to go to them.

Saturday night my homegroup had a business meeting. I shrugged it off with the “have to get home to my little one” excuse that I use pretty much every month for every homegroup I’ve ever been in.  I don’t like business meetings for a multitude of reasons. One being the time, after I’ve sat through a meeting for an hour I don’t want to sit for longer. I find business meetings bring out personalities and often I just don’t feel like dealing with it. So when my friend looked at me with dismay as I sputtered on about how I didn’t really want to be a member of the group anyway, but I had to have a homegroup, I started to feel bad. I wasn’t being willing. I wasn’t giving myself completely to the program.  I got into a funk about it. So on Sunday I went to another meeting and shared my feelings on business meetings with a man who’s got some more time than I do. He shared that he hates business meetings to, but we have to go because this program saved our lives so what’s another hour or so once a month. He said just go every other month. But to definitely go sometimes. It turned it around for me. I’m not excited for business meetings and may never be, but I’m excited to be young and alive and sober.  I have always said I’ll fight for my chair in AA, so if it means business meetings, I have to do it.  And I'm grateful I’m not the only one who dislikes them.

oy vey

i mailed baked goods again. well the last time i mailed something food-ish it was ice cream. to san francisco. here we go again?